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2008
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July
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Is It Better To Be A Jock Or A Geek?
07/16/08
In his day, Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.
With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he slept 7 hours a night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplu
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Is It Better To Be A Jock Or A Geek?
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May
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Internetaddicts Anonymous
05/23/08
Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaddicts Anonymous, we can help.
Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in -
Ways you know you are a computer Geek
05/04/08
When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You
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Internetaddicts Anonymous
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April
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Comparing Software Developers And Drug Dealers
04/24/08
Drug Dealers
Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon:
"Stick"
"Rock"
"Wrap"
"E"
"Stash"
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Going Too Far
04/04/08
You try to enter your password on the microwave.
You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'
Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
You chat several times a da
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Comparing Software Developers And Drug Dealers
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March
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Computer Repair
03/20/08
A computer support technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.
He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I wi -
If Life Was Like A Computer
03/03/08
If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when re -
Computer Jargon
03/02/08
My husband and I incurred several problems while assembling our new computer system, so we called Tech Support. The man on the phone started to talk to Dave in computer jargon, which confused us even more.
"Sir," my husband politely said, "please explain what I should do as -
Scratching An Itch
03/01/08
A man and wife were both in an Internet business, but it was the husband who truly lived, ate and breathed computers.
His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said "No, not there. Scroll down a little."
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Computer Repair
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February
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Better Computer Programmer
02/29/08
Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told them that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours to write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.
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Gullibility Virus
02/27/08
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading over the Internet!
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without question, -
Computer Addict
02/25/08
Dear John,
I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are d -
Bill Gates Meets His Match
02/23/08
The following is a conversation overheard as Bill Gates was moving into his new house...
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?&q -
Awkward Question
02/21/08
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immedia -
What's Most Important
02/18/08
Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Bill Gates all died in a plane crash and went to meet their maker. The supreme deity turned to Al and asked, tell what is important about yourself.
Al responded that he felt that the earth was the ultimate importance and that protecting the earth's ecologi -
Windows XP Error Messages
02/16/08
A few of the new error messages that were taken under consideration during the development of the Windows XP operating system...
• Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
• Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
• BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not -
Three Days
02/14/08
George Bush, Vladimir Putin and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.
They were all allowed to return to their homes and b -
Promises Promises
02/13/08
Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.
The first woman said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."
The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes -
Waiting
02/12/08
The checkout line at the hardware store was getting longer and longer as the clerk labored to get the new cash register to cooperate.
At one point she wailed "Oh no, NOW what do I do ? It just rang up sixty-four thousand, five hundered seventy four dollars in sales tax on a ten-dolla -
If Microsoft Ran The IRS
02/10/08
"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).
-- The IRS, as always, -
World's Smartest Man
02/08/08
A pilot, Tiger Woods, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.
Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minute -
Anything You Want
02/07/08
The Sultan was unhappy as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy then,when one of his wives presented him with his only son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, "Son, I am very proud -
Navigation Technique
02/04/08
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. F -
Redneck Computer Terms
02/03/08
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.
Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern.
Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick.
Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro.
Cache - Needed when you go -
Life Before The Computer
02/01/08
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress
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Better Computer Programmer
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January
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You Know Your Adicted To The Internet When
01/31/08
• Your favorites takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
• You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
• All of your friends have an @ in their names.
• You've already visited all -
Choose Your Punishment
01/30/08
Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a comp -
If Dr. Seuss was a technical writer
01/29/08
What if Dr. Seuss was a technical writer? Here are several examples of what he may write to help you resolve your computer problems.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abor -
Night Before Crisis
01/29/08
Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their -
Software Development
01/29/08
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn -
Brake Trouble
01/26/08
A programmer, a Hardware Engineer and a Branch Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a h -
Signs That Your Co-worker Is A Computer Hacker
01/26/08
You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.
He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years running.
When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."
When asked for his phone number, he gives -
Saving Money
01/25/08
Three programers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. -
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer programer
01/24/08
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer programer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too m -
Is Windows a virus
01/24/08
With the problems being encountered by Windows users people are asking themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.
1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.
2. Viruses -
Trouble Solving
01/23/08
One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technici -
Computer Programmer
01/23/08
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beaut -
Bill Gates Punishment
01/22/08
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you&# -
Computer Viruses
01/22/08
Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
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You Know Your Adicted To The Internet When
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July
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