Computer Jokes Humor and Satire2010-03-13T10:22:04ZSearchEngineDirectory.net cj@searchenginedirectory.netCopyright 2010, SearchEngineDirectory.net cj@searchenginedirectory.netSPHPBLOGIs It Better To Be A Jock Or A Geek? With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.
If he slept 7 hours a night, he made $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums danced in his head.
If he went to see a movie, it cost him $9.50, but he made $18,550 while he was there.
If he decided to have a 5 minute egg, he would have made $618 while boiling it.
He made $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
He'd made $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would have taken him a whole 12 hours.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have had to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
He'd probably payed around $200 for a nice round of golf, but was reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.
Assuming he put the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he would have hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
He would have made about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.
He would have made about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
While the common person was spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he would have pulled in about $5600.
In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
... However...
... If Jordan had saved 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates had right then.
Game over. Geek wins.]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080716-0005342008-07-16T00:00:00Z2008-07-16T00:00:00ZInternetaddicts Anonymous Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?
We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.
We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.
We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you:
1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your computer?
2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?
3) Spend more time social networking than eating or sleeping?
4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?
5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?
6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?
7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?
8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?
9) See smoke arising from your computer?
10) All of the above?
If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaddicts Anonymous at:
1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE
We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.
Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080523-2056252008-05-24T00:00:00Z2008-05-24T00:00:00ZWays you know you are a computer Geek You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"
And the number one sign you are an computer geek:
1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080504-2158002008-05-05T00:00:00Z2008-05-05T00:00:00ZComparing Software Developers And Drug Dealers Refer to their clients as "users". "The first one's free!" Have important Asian connections. Strange jargon: "Stick" "Rock" "Wrap" "E" "Stash" "Drive-by" "Hit (LSD)" "Source" "The Pigs" Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent product. Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers. Product causes unhealthy addictions. Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software Developers
Refer to their clients as "users". "Download a free trial version..." Have important Asian connections. Strange jargon: "SCSI" "RTFM" "Packet" "C" "Cache" "CTRL ALT DEL" "Hit (WWW)" "Source-code" "Microsoft" Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you. Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent products. Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers. When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers. DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D... Damn! DAMN!!! ]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080424-2043482008-04-25T00:00:00Z2008-04-25T00:00:00ZGoing Too Far You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'
Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.
You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. ]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080404-1959312008-04-05T00:00:00Z2008-04-05T00:00:00ZComputer Repair He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."
About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand. ]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080320-0140372008-03-20T00:00:00Z2008-03-20T00:00:00ZIf Life Was Like A Computer To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend".
Hit "any key" to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on "find".
"Help" with the chores is just a click away.
You wouldn't need auto insurance. You'd use your boot diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on "refresh".
Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on "back".
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click "update".
If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080303-2016372008-03-04T00:00:00Z2008-03-04T00:00:00ZComputer Jargon "Sir," my husband politely said, "please explain what I should do as if I were a four-year-old."
"Okay," the computer technician replied. "Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?"]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080302-2337442008-03-03T00:00:00Z2008-03-03T00:00:00ZScratching An Itch His wife finally realized how bad it gotten when one day she was scratching his back, and he said "No, not there. Scroll down a little."]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080301-0810482008-03-01T00:00:00Z2008-03-01T00:00:00ZBetter Computer Programmer They both got down to business and wrote lines and lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash of lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the power faltered, and both computer screens went dead.
When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to see the results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed the most elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures -- all kinds of bells and whistles.
God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing, absolutely nothing! My program was twice as good as that, but I lost it all when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still have such a great program?"
God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."]]>http://computerjokes.searchenginedirectory.net/index.php?entry=entry080229-1148282008-02-29T00:00:00Z2008-02-29T00:00:00Z