Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaddicts Anonymous, we can help.

Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you?

We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem.

We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover.

We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do
you:

1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your computer?

2) Check e-mail more than five times a day?

3) Spend more time social networking than eating or sleeping?

4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online?

5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway?

6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions?

7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head?

8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome?

9) See smoke arising from your computer?

10) All of the above?

If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a
problem. Please call us at Internetaddicts Anonymous at:

1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE

We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem.

Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.

When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an computer geek:

1. Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"

Drug Dealers

Refer to their clients as "users".
"The first one's free!"
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon:
"Stick"
"Rock"
"Wrap"
"E"
"Stash"
"Drive-by"
"Hit (LSD)"
"Source"
"The Pigs"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent product.
Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive
A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
Product causes unhealthy addictions.
Do your job well and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.

Software Developers

Refer to their clients as "users".
"Download a free trial version..."
Have important Asian connections.
Strange jargon: "SCSI"
"RTFM"
"Packet"
"C"
"Cache"
"CTRL ALT DEL"
"Hit (WWW)"
"Source-code"
"Microsoft"
Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Clients really like your stuff when it works.When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent products.
Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.
When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away, but may be expensive
A lot of people are getting rich while still teenagers.
DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem 3D...
Damn! DAMN!!!

You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You email your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back, 'What's for dinner dad?'

Your daughter sets up a web site to sell Girl Scout Cookies.

You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

A computer support technician got a call from a user. The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.